BANTER

Below are a few anecdotes, stories and reflections from members of the Brown Jackets. If you would like to contribute to this page (and members are actively encouraged to do so), please click here.

BRIGHTON, 1999

"The year of ‘Gimme-gate’! Zoe’s partners felt so sorry for her appalling and her rapidly declining mood that they started to give her putts to keep her happy, eventually extending this to putts from all round the green. Her partners thought this was fine as their golf was so awful they surely couldn’t be anywhere near the top of the leaderboard... Alas, they won by one shot over Finbar Saunders, who is still rumoured to be moaning about it to this day!"

Finbar Saunders

IRELAND, 2000

"We are staying with friends of the Ko parents and Yanster comments in horror to our generous host at breakfast that there is no Heinz tomato ketchup to go with our delicious breakfast she had kindly put on. "Would you like me to go and get you some from the shops right now?" she unnecessarily asked. "Yes," said Yanster. And there we learnt that Yanster skipped manners classes as a child.

"Dancing at the pub, Nicky Duckworth and I didn’t recognize that the music had turned to the National Anthem, meaning the whole pub stood upright and respectfully still. When we finally stopped spinning, the dagger eyes we received hurt. Some of the locals were apparently very unhappy, although all was ok after a few apologies.

"This tour was also the birth of ‘The Pint Hider’. Whilst Yanster was proudly clamouring for more beer, more beer, somebody looked under the table and noticed six pints of Guinness still half full."

Finbar Saunders

WALES, 2002

"Nearly arrested in Wales: Driving to the BJ masters with Paddy in the car, I overtook about 5 cars on a straight stretch only to end up with hearts in mouth as a car turned right just as we were passing. It was a heart stopping moment, but not as much as when we were unpacking our clubs to discover that one of the cars we had overtaken contained the Chief Constable of whatever county we were in, who was also coming to play golf, resulting in a 10 min bollocking for me in the car park, much to Paddy’s delight!"

Clive Emery

LE TOUQUET, 2004

"I remember Gareth defacing my passport by drawing a big moustache on my photo in blue biro; Yan going to bed with a little 'boy'; and Chrissie getting a bulls eye at darts to win a bet with a group of policemen from the East Midlands who then spent the rest of the evening with their trousers round their ankles."

Billy Whiz

"Billy and Paddy had the cheek to try to leave the notorious Chatham nightclub at 4am. I had to run after them and bring them back, with the help of a rugby tackle. Think Paddy got away. Seem to remember that, after 2 days and evenings, I had played 72 holes of golf and had had a total of 2 hours sleep. Not a tour for the weak! One member suffered a chest infection for 7 weeks after this tour, so depleted and battered was his body."

Finbar Saunders

CORNWALL, 2008

"The year of the 'Dream Snatcher', when Vix and I both came runner-up to Sam in the Masters and the Open. Someone said you could hear my heart break on the terrace at St Enodoc when Sam holed his putt to win the Open by one..."

Billy Whiz

"Scene: BJ 2008 Cornwall, 1st tee Trevose. Billy Whizz on the tee. Distance off tee = minus 30 yards, landing in the overflow car park. Second shot significantly better than the first. Thank you Bill."

"The Battle of the Snails: In the rolling hills of St Enodoch, two of the tours slowest ever players both heralding from opposite ends of the height spectrum decided to challenge each other to a shouting match to determine who was more glacial. Finbar, who by a wide majority of the BJs is the slowest player of all time, was having none of it and Chris Bischoff has never been on tour again.

"The Shank - worst performance of all time? I managed a stirling effort in the BJ Open at St Enedoch. I lost 15 golf balls - mostly from the middle of the fairway using an iron! In total I lucked into 6 points for the entire round - an historic tour low? And 4 of the points were obtained by putting down the fairways of the last 3 holes because I was shanking the ball so much I couldn’t trust myself to do anything else! The pshycological damage was such that I ended up playing AC/DC for the next few tours."

Clive Emery

ISLE OF MAN, 2009

"Many would say the greatest tour of all time. First time the BJs had danced. Castletown was an amazing course and we played it several times. Stunning weather. Peel was a let-down. Accomodation was truly awful in true BJ style."

Finbar Saunders

"The first 'austerity' BJs with low budget accommodation; the birth of the Open champions 2am offal breakfast; but, most importantly, we all got to see Wapster's 'gilo'... An epic tour all round."

The Claw

WALES, 2012

"SWANSEA | Mon Sep 10, 2012 14:01pm BST

(Report from Andy Martin of Reuters) - Controversy was avoided Saturday night when the 2012 edition of the Brown Jackets Masters tournament finally reached a conclusion in pitch darkness on the practice green at Pennard Golf Club, South Wales.

BJs debutant Jumbo "Son Can't Marry an Emma" Royds and Kerri "Boss of the Moss" Beaumont held their nerve to edge the veteran pairing of Carlos "Roundhouse" Citronella and Alex "No Balls" Alcott into second place in a late-night putt-off to register a first Major title for each member of the winning pairing.

After both pairings finished tied on 38 points and two play-off holes were not able to separate the competitors before everyone got a bit too cold and bored to carry on, dinner was taken in the clubhouse while debate raged between members of the BJs committee as to how a definitive outcome from the day's proceedings could be reached. At one point, when sensible ideas ran low, opinion among Committee members was split as to whether the title should remain with 2011 winners, Gareth "Finbarr" Saunders and Clive "AC/DC" Emery or shared by the tied 2012 pairings. With a world record auction pot riding on the outcome, either option was deemed unsatisfactory so efforts were renewed by the Committee to find a solution while the other members of the touring party, the majority of whom couldn't give a shiit, chatted and watched the clubhouse television (which was showing the other major sporting event taking place that weekend and at which, in an eery echo of events taking place on the Gower Peninsula, a tie-break was required to separate Andy Murray from Tomas Berdych in the final set).

Eventually, at 21:39 BST (16:39 EDT), the impasse was resolved and a putt-off for the title was declared. After makeshift flood-lighting was hastily erected on the practice putting green, players and spectators gathered for the bizarre denouement. In the end, the battle was something of an anti-climax when Beaumont was left with a straight 3-foot putt to clinch the title. Having calmly holed out from 10 feet on the last hole in regulation to take her team into the play off and then from 30 feet to halve the first play-off hole, informed opinion was that her final task with the flat-stick could be achieved with her eyes closed. Which was just as well, because it was too dark to see.

The traditional formalities followed, with Royds and Beaumont each receiving the winners' brown jackets and pewter drinking vessel.

Asked to comment following their win, Royds and Beaumont were each overwhelmed with emotion and pride; Royds only being able to utter "If you think I'm going to wear this jacket you must be out of your tiny minds" before reaching for his phone and dialling an unknown number, thought to begin with the area code for Savile Row. Beaumont was only slightly more effusive, thanking the BJs committee and her main sponsor, Laura Ashley home furnishings for supplying her championship match trousers.

ENDS"

Andy Martin

"After a 2 hole par 3 play off in the dark, lit only by iPhones, failed to provide a winning pair, Citron and I lost a putt off in the dark, played by car headlights, only for Lemon to throw his toys out of the pram. Kezza and Jumbo winners!

"Later that evening, on Wind Street in Swansea, all of us were rowing on the technicolour lit dancefloor at 2am at the 80’s club.…"

Alex Alcott

"In the club on Wind Street, unwanted attention towards some of the local (and very young) talent was met with the retort: "Go home to your children"!"

Finbar Saunders

BRISTOL, 2014

"Winners departure: Alex and Barrio winning the Masters in Bristol in 2014 - which, given Alex had clawed his first tee shot so far left it went over the practise area and out of bounds on there, was a surprise. However, not as surprising as his departure immediately post winning and being given the jacket - which was done at the club rather than at the winners dinner….. However, he made up for it by doing half the trophy with Barrio at the rugby a few weeks later!

"Post Colonial Integration: Gilo’s single handed and over night efforts to break down racial barriers in Bristol with his Ghanian lady of the night."

Clive Emery

COUNTY SLIGO, 2016

"My Brown Jacket has gone everywhere with me. Austria, South Africa, Mauritius, USA, Spain and Portugal. It has done so many air-miles that it now has its own frequent flier number!"

Neil Hobson, winner of the 2015 Masters